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Poetry - The Computer Variety
Art at its best!!!
The Devil's Netiquette
Now this is the Law of the Newsgroups; from alt through
to comp hear it throb.
And those who obey it may prosper; the rest shall be hurled
to the mob.
'It is cruel to mock the afflicted.' The comedian's old motto
is true.
But it's fun! So let fly with your napalm when dim@AOL posts:
'ME TOO!'
Don't stint when you quote. Use the whole thread. And, should
you encounter protesting,
Remember the wise words of Linus. 'Time for some serious flamefesting!'
Never give way in a flame war. Keep fighting whatever the
cost.
When your foe calls you 'fascist' he's losing; when your foe
calls you 'Hitler' he's lost.
By all means post he's a 'bastard', and seek to imply he's
insane.
But be sure to sign off with a smiley ;-) to make things all
lovely again.
The greatest one-liner stales quickly. Even quicker the unfunny
dig.
If you find something rotten and cloying, there's the joke
to include in your sig.
You'll not make a pull in a newsgroup. That girl's just a
tease, you will see.
Never send to know for whom the belle trolls. My friend: she
trolls for thee.
The FAQ is both for and by wusses. When sent to it,real netters
scoff.
So what if the question's familiar? Tell the FAQuers just
where they FAQ off.
It's your birthright to wander off-topic. Who cares about
signal-to-noise?
Those lamers, those self-proclaimed net cops, must remember
that boys will be boys.
It's your birthright to use up that bandwidth. Pour scorn
both on dull and on clever.
As long as you're online with Outlook, it's September for
ever and ever.
Now this is the Law of the Newsgroups; from alt through to
comp hear it throb.
And those who obey it may prosper; the rest shall be hurled
to the mob.
How infant techies learn to
back-count
Four brand new screwdrivers.
My own set. Not freebies.
'Fingers' Geoff got in my desk
And fourbies became threebies.
Three surviving screwdrivers.
Kept them hid. But then:
I lent one to a customer
Who cut me down to 102.
My non-breeding pair of screwdrivers
Can still give me a tingle.
I poked one through a PSU
And thereby scored a single.
When the last, lonely screwdriver
Snapped, I thought: 'We're done.'
Then Geoffrey brought my crosshead back
And proved there's always one.
Sonnet to a Coelacanth
Our Janine's Dad is old and stubborn too:
A PC's use is quite beyond his wit.
So for a birthday gift she buys brand new
A typewriter. (It costs her fifty quid.)
She brings it back to work, removes the box,
And plugs it in to make quite sure it goes.
We put aside our semaphores and locks
And gather round to have a quiet nose.
A youngish colleague, craning forward, cries
'It's QWERTY!' Well, what else did he expect?
I show the carriage; where the paper slides.
He looks at me with something like respect.
He's seen a fossil come to life from cold.
And I am twenty million seasons old.
Assembler programmer's song
The devotees of Python are not fickle,
Nor are those who treasure Ruby and Perl.
There are Java-ites, and fanciers of Tcl*,
Pascal makes C-lings' lips curl.
But all this is much too high-level
For an old-fashioned craftsman like me.
I code in God's own Assembler
For its macro-ised maturity.
It may not be garbage-collected.
It's as portable as old London Bridge.
But don't you coldly reject it
It's the language they used in your fridge,
Where...
(Chorus)
Every bit is sacred,
Every bit is right.
If a bit is wasted
I can't sleep at night.
Every bit is gorgeous,
Every bit is free.
Admire the shape it forges
In hex and BCD!
Delphi, C#, Basic
Waste bytes through sheer neglect.
I must have a tool that
Treats each bit with respect.
Every bit is special,
Every bit gets sick.
Coddle each dear rascal
And maybe it won't stick.
Careful you don't squash them
When you load your debugger.
It's me you must account to
The radical bit-hugger.
Every bit is sacred,
Every bit is right.
If a bit is wasted
I can't sleep at night.
*"Tcl" is pronounced "tickle." Yes, I
know YOU knew that. This is in case the poetry standards inspector
drops by.
Verity Stob wishes to apologise to Rudyard Kipling ("The
Law of the Jungle"), Anonymous ("Ten green bottles"
and its non-PC variants) and to Pythons Michael Palin and
Terry Jones ("Every Sperm is Sacred") whose fine
work she has given a mugging it did not deserve.
Apologies to the non-Hindi language browsers. The following
posts are in Hindi.
ARZ KIYA HAI
Jo sadiyaon se hota aaya hai
Woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili to tujhko dil sey
Ctrl+Alt+delete kar doonga...
******************
Company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain
Aur lonely hain...
Problem ye hai ki bus voh
READ-ONLY hain...
******************
Shayad mere pyar ko taste
karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa CUT kiya
ke PASTE karna bhool gaye...
******************
Tumhare samne hain itney items
kabhi hame bhi pick karo...
Hamare pyar ke ICON pe
kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK karo...
******************
Roz subha hum karte hai
itne pyar se unhe good morning...
woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain
jaise 0 ERRORS but 5 WARNINGS...
Ho gayi galti humse, click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhodo, ban jaao meri spouse!
******************
Tumse mila main kal to, mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili to kehti ho: Your file not found!
******************
Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif
******************
>Aysa bhi nahin hai ke, I don't likeyour face
Par dil ke computer mein, nahin hai enough disk space
******************
Ghar se nikalti ho tum jab, pehen ke evening gown
Too many requests se, ho jaata hai server down
******************
Tumhaare liye pyaar ki application, create main
aroonga
Tum usse debug karna, wait main karoonga
******************
Tumhaara intezaar karte karte, main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection, time out ho gaya
*****************
Kya chaal hai tumhaari, jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, aao karein chat
******************
Tum jabse meri zindagi mein, aayi ho banke female
Yaad raha na ab kuch, na postman , na e-Mail
ah waaah wah waaaah
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